The Biggest Criminal Enterprise in History

[The Comrade]

[Professor]

Since the topic, as it invariably does in so many of these threads, has turned to me, let's talk about me for a second.

In another topic, there was discussion of some of the things that can be done to help save the planet. And, since we all know that "save the planet" is a euphemism for "save humanity", then let's discuss what we've all done to help fellow human beings.

You may have ridden a bike instead of taking a car. You may have saved some landfill space by using rechargeable batteries. You may have conserved a few gallons of water by taking a short shower.

Want to know what I did in the past few months to help fellow humans? I've personally handed over $2 million worth of checks to people whose homes were destroyed in natural disasters. I have helped 13 families whose homeowner assistance cases were initially denied, get a rehearing and ultimately win. I have been one of a group of 5 people who set up the second-largest disaster recovery program in US history. I have risked my job to save a co-workers' job. I have paid thousands out of my own pocket to help a friend who was so overworked that she was on the verge of a breakdown.

And, contrary to what I usually preach, I made nary a penny for doing all that. I didn't have to set up the program, help those people, or help my friends. I didn't get paid overtime for any of it, and I won't get reimbursed for any of it. I did it all because it was the right thing to do.

So, what have you done to help your fellow humans out lately? If we're going to start whipping out our d!cks and measuring, then let's have at it.

[Spider]

Protip: It doesn't count as helping your fellow humans unless you first swear a vow of poverty.

[exploited]

That's fair. But next to my accomplishments, those are nothing.

- Once convinced a hot girl that my ugly friend was famous, to the point where she claimed to recognize him. She f**k him that night, and he brings it up every time I see him.

- Talked police out of putting a friend in jail. He was high on mushrooms, drunk as hell, belligerent and carrying a quarter ounce of weed. Luckily I managed to strike up a conversation, found out we went to the same high school, so we got let off with a warning... and they let us keep the weed.

- I have forced at least three friends to read Catcher in the Rye. They loved it.

- Arranged door privileges for my staff at local bars and nightclubs, when I was managing a pizza place. Free pizza + line privileges for free beer + line privileges. The code word was Ron Swanson.

- Donated $30 to this site knowing full well that all the money is paid immediately into the Moderator Beer Fund.

- Helped a friend rewire a lamp.

- I have been in existence for 27 years.

My list is obviously longer. Therefore I am a better person.

[exploited]

[The Comrade]

wait were we not being serious?

[Professor]

[Professor]

[Indy]

[The Dharma Bum]

Talk about a quality wingman!